Deliver me, out of
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.
All of my life I've
been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like You.
Now that You're here, now that I've found You,
I know that You're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me, loving
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.
- Sarah Brightman
WORDS OF WISDOM
from Greg A. Lane
Depression. Leaves me sighing, and crying.
Tells me "Stop trying," "You're dying"
But it's lying. It's no friend to me. It's my enemy. ...
It wants to beat me and mistreat me.
Leaves me feeling cheated, defeated and depleted.
Wants me to forget who I am, Whose I am, and the Great I Am Who made me what I am.
hearken, nor let it darken
Or remove the spark in me. I hear it's voice...
BUT I HAVE A CHOICE...
So I will rejoice instead, and get it out of my head,
It won't get fed, I'll ignore what it said.
It doesn't need medication, or a vacation...
It needs starvation and a new meditation
On the God who brings salvation,
So I won't succumb or grow numb. No! I'll overcome.
Not on my own, but with help from God's throne…
Because... I'm not alone.
I never thought I could
go on living when you died, but ~ I did.
I never thought I would survive after burying you, but ~ I did.
I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months, but ~ I did.
I never thought I would be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but ~ I did.
I never thought I would let myself love my new child, but ~ I did.
I never thought tomorrow would be different, but ~ it was.
I never thought I would stop crying for you, but ~ I have.
I never thought that I would ever sing again, but ~ I have.
I never thought the pain would "soften," but ~ it has.
I never thought I would care if the sun shone again, but ~ I do.
I never thought I would be able to entertain again, but ~ I have.
I never thought I would be able to control my grief, but ~ I can.
I never thought I'd smile again, but ~ I do.
I never thought I would laugh out loud again, but ~ I do.
I never thought I would look forward to tomorrow, but ~ I do.
I never thought I'd reconcile your death, but ~ I have.
I never thought I would be able to create that "new normal," but ~ I have.
I never thought I'd want to go on living after you died, but ~ I do.
Always missing you,
always loving you,
and thinking of you daily,
with a smile on my face ~
and tears in my heart.
T h e L a s t P e w
People point and stare
Why'd I even come here?
Is this a church or Satan's lair?
On the last pew I sit alone
Thinking I'd rather be at home
I came just the way I was
And people looked down on me
If this is what God is about
I don't need Christianity
I was alone on the
Lip syncing praises to You
Afraid if I opened my mouth
They'd tell me to get out
Preacher gave me the
Made me out to be a bad guy
I felt unwelcome
I was labeled a freak
After that day I knew
I wouldn't be back next week
I prayed to God,
"Help me find something better."
The only love I felt
I found in the red letters
We must not judge
That's for God and God alone
Lots of churches judge by looks
So most people stay at home
Think about if it was you
All alone on that last pew
The Lord looks at a man's heart
Not the clothes that he's wearing
So instead of showing hatred
We need to love and start caring
It's churches like
That draw people from Christ
They go there for help
And see hate in your eyes
They leave that day
Feeling worse than before
And that may be the last time they step through church doors
"If I say,
“Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
... For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand —
when I awake, I am still with you." Psalm 139
MAN OF THE TOMBS
© 1989 Matters Of The Heart Music (ASCAP)
Man of the tombs
He lives in a place where no one goes
And he tears at himself
And lives with a pain that no one knows
He counts himself dead among the living
He knows no mercy and no forgiving
Deep in the night he's driven to cry out loud
Can you hear him cry out loud?
Man of the tombs
Possessed by an unseen enemy
He breaks every chain
And mistakes his freedom for being free
Shame and shamelessness equally there
Like a random toss of a coin in the air
Man of the tombs, he's driven to cry out loud
Underneath this thing that I've become
A fading memory of flesh and blood
I curse the womb, I bless the grave
I've lost my heart, I cannot be saved
Like those who fear me, I'm afraid
Like those I've hurt, I can feel pain
Naked now before my sin
And these stones that cut against my skin
Some try to touch me, but no one can
For man of the tombs I am
Down at the shoreline
Two sets of footprints meet
One voice is screaming
Other voice begins to speak
In only a moment and only a word
The evil departs like a thundering herd
Man of the tombs, he hears this cry out loud
Underneath this thing that you've become
I see a man of flesh and blood
I give you life beyond the grave
I heal your heart, I come to save
No need to fear, be not afraid
This Man of sorrows knows your pain
I come to take away your sin
And bear it's marks upon My skin
When no one can touch you, still I can
For Son of God I am
Dressed now and seated
Clean in spirit and healthy of mind
Man of the tombs
He begs to follow, but must stay behind
He'll return to has family with stories to tell
Of mercy and madness, of heaven and hell
Man of the tombs, soon he will cry out loud
Underneath this thing that I once was
Now I'm a man of flesh and blood
I have a life beyond the grave
I found my heart, I can now be saved
No need to fear, I am not afraid
This Man of sorrows took my pain
He comes to take away our sin
And bear it's marks upon His skin
I'm telling you this story because
Man of the tombs I was.
"My Heart Beats for Him Too"
by Caroline Williams
Just cos I look different to you
Doesn't mean I am different to you.
Just cos I dress different to you
Doesn't mean I'm not dressed in Jesus, like you.
Just cos i hide myself from you
Doesn's mean I don't hurt, like you.
Just cos my outwards is dark
Doesn't mean my heart is black or empty.
My heart beats for Him too,
Faster than you may know.
Just cos my arms are cut and bleed
Doesn't mean I am cut off from Him.
Maybe it's you that needs reattaching.
And cos my outlook isn't as your own
Doesn't make me further or nearer.
Don't box me or limit me.
I'm not what you think.
You look at my outside and turn away.
Look deep inside, now what do you see?
A burning flame that never dies,
A bleeding heart that often cries
For those who hurt and those not yet born into light.
A passion to lift the name of Jesus up high.
And look into your own heart,
With words stating fire and passion,
What is it I see now?
Now i see deep down?
Not airs nor graces or that which is portrayed,
Just ashes flying in a cold wind you like to call salvation,
Ashes, soggy from the tears of my heart for you.
Caroline Williams 25/9/02
I can't believe I was turned away from church today.
I know what a strange thing to say!
I had gotten up extra early to do my make up just right, and to iron my best black dress, get my best black arm warmers, and to dust off my combat boots.
I figured since I was going to God's house, I should look my best.
As I lined my eyes to color of ebony, and brushed my hair the color of ravens, I was ready to leave for church.
I was turned away before I even got in the door.
The church elders dressed in their purest whites pushed me aside.
"This is God's house, not a devil's den" They said as they turned me away from the worship inside.
I can't believe I was turned away from church today.
God is going to have a lot to say.
I don't wish to be with them on Judgment Day.
"If I Never Change"
By Phil Kayalo
I'm tired of the domino effect that has lingered-
I'm tired of the criticism & of the pointed finger;
Jesus said, "The prostitute & the low life will enter-
the kingdom of heaven quicker than the 'accepted'
& Yet isn't it funny how that which covers God's
Is more "surreal" than I am, yet you DARE to pick a
I don't have 4 heads, or 6 wings with eyes all over-
Yet you stop look & stare, & 'whisper' behind your
& What about things in the WORD never mentioned-
More "strange", "weird" or "freaky" than the CHERABIM
Your problem's not with me, but it lies within you-
I'm taken to your courts, & my freedoms you sue;
Creativity is sacred, 'tis my gift in "The Bod"-
& I'll answer to none, not a one...but my God!;
..'If I Never Change', just how will I be treated?-
Will you take my liberty & attempt to defeat it?;
I have tried to "conform", but it is not within me-
Rejected, those talented, gifted & artsy;
We're shunned from your jobs, EVEN WITH suit & tie-
If hired? we still read 'JUDGEMENT' from both of your
But we're not in control, or positions of power-
So don't blame us if your own "system" has grown sour;
We're not in the Senate, nor ELECTED to the House-
& Yet if by chance we were, you'd quickly oudst!!;
We make not the laws, nor sit we in the seats-
But "disdain" from our 'look', bottled up STILL
Yet AMAZING to me, is what I find in the Bible-
The spokesmen of God went by "prophets", their title;
Covered in sheepskins & goatskins, yet they spoke-
God's oracles... To rebellious Israel,they were
Elijah & John were 'wildmen', yet these two-
Had ministries wonderful..., They were POWERFULLY
Wildmen with 'wild' looks, & yet why did God mention-
Their "detailed" appearance, if it was not
If God can use them, can He thus not use me???-
with make-up, black clothes & my body jewelry???;
..'If I Never Change', will you still call me
Or turn me away, as did Father & Mother???..;
When murder occurs, that person goes to jail-
yet your words "hit their target" bullseye, without
Are we not ALL travelling towards 1 goal specific?-
Don't be confused, I'm no 'human' hieroglyphic;
For Christ dwells in me, & in my heart I've
To only know Him in you, so don't treat me like
We all have our walls, & we all have our strengths-
In different degrees, & with varying lengths;
& Yet when I speak to you, I know it must seem MUCH
To shake an outstretched hand, than to hug ME, the
I got not the gift of "The Blessing" from my Father-
I got drunk with strict discipline, yes 'twas my
I've been told by some, that the past ain't my future-
I leave it behind only to meet BRAND NEW ABUSERS!!;
I'm tried in the world, & under trial in "The Body"-
Convicted & condemned, like the Mob Boss John Gotti;
..'If I Never Change', will you treat me an equal?-
Or turn away, making me play 1 more sequel?;
If our faith were an arrow, then we'd be at the point-
OUR GENERATION, God will strongly annoint;
& We'll all be amazed & SHOCKED at what He does-
& I'm not talking tongues, or deliverance from drugs;
I mean GREAT manifestations of His power-
To 'pierce thru the darkness', it Must happen THIS
What if playing music, or singing onstage-
God's voice joins the chorus? You ALL will stand
What if up the scale, a keyboardist ascends-
& We look up to see the "dead" live once again?;
I know God will do it, for He promised so!!-
These signs WILL take place here, & across the globe;
& Mark my words, God WILL use Hip Hop & Funk-
Industrial, Metal, Alternative & Punk;
Us Goths from the UNDERGROUND, just to name a few-
& No one will dictate to HIM just how they'll be used;
I'm proud to be 1 sheep who looks like a wolf-
I'll reach those YOU can't, & in neighborhoods tough!;
So don't be surprised if God's greatest glory seen-
comes from us 'FREAKS','WEIRDO's' & all in between!!!;
For we understand rejection, & we understand LOVE-
But we're God's children too, with our names written
&...'If We Never Change', will you embrace us
If so,.. we'll ALL see His glory displayed.....REALLY.
copyright'97 &'98. By Phil Kayalo. All rightsreserved.
(It's my heart, & my own personal
experiences. Not only as a goth, but as an African American Goth!)
By Austin Hodges
On a dark cold night
I had no sight
Of love, just fright
I stood alone in a corridor
A restless sleep I had no more
On a dark and cold night
I walked around the bend once more
A light I saw beneath a door
And just before I slipped away,
The door was opened,
And I was saved
You can see out, but no one can get in.
No one on the outside cares to look at the inside
So no one comments.
You think youre safe from the world inside your bubble.
Safe from reality.
And for a while you are.
People only look at the slick, shiny iridescence of the outside, not seeing the hypocrisy and conceit on the clear inside.
But one day your bubble will burst
Into nothing but some annoying splatter
that people wipe away and then wash off their hands
and forget about.
It cant last.
Come out of the bubble
And be where things can last longer than a moment.
Though but a moment to God,
The things done outside the bubble affect
The time when time is not.
All have bubbles.
Some big. Some small.
Some pop right away.
Some float to the sky and we never see them pop.
But they do, and floating to the sky is no way to reach God.
I was reading this poem by
William Blake and it reminded me of you. The
poem, in my interpretation, seems to deal with issues of appearence and how
even though one looks dark, doesn't mean that one is. from, Stefan
The Little Black Boy
My mother bore me in the southern wild,
And I am black, but O! my soul is white;
White as an angel is the English child
But I am black as if bereav'd by light.
My mother taught me underneath a tree,
And sitting down before the heat of day,
She took me on her lap and kissed me,
And pointing to the east began to say.
Look on the rising sun: there God does live
And gives His light, and gives His heat away.
And flowers and trees and beasts and men recieve
Comfort in morning joy in the noon day.
And we are put on earth a little space,
That we may learn to bear the beams of love,
And these black bodies and this sun-burnt face
Is but a cloud, and like a shady grove.
For when our souls have learn'd the heat to bear
The cloud will vanish we shall hear His voice.
Saying: come out from the grove my love & care,
And round my golden tent like lambs rejoice.
Thus did my mother say and kisses me,
And thus I say to little English boy.
Then I from black and he from white cloud free,
And round the tent of God like lambs we joy:
Ill shade him from the heat till he can bear,
To lean in joy upon our Father's knee.
And then I'll stand and stroke his silver hair,
And be like him and he will then love me.
He is Her angel
He is the one who heals broken hearts;
He is her angel when the yelling starts.
As she cry's he hold's her tight;
He will protect her when they start to fight.
Seeing through her eyes he saw the knife;
He knew she was going to end her life.
He opened his arms and held her tight;
that's when she began to see the light.
She spoke to him asking if he was God;
He looked at her and said yes with a nod.
He healed her broken heart;
and informed her that they shall never part.
y step through church doors
this is a song by the group
"beauty from ashes"
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise there will be a dawn
Crystal tears fall,
heart rent crying.
Bruised and bleeding,
Life poured out
all that I am,
Son of God.
Son of man.
with holy yearning.
chains fall broken.
Love and peace,
my life, it's token.
The way made clear
by bloody torrent.
No need to fear
black death abhorrent.
all that I am.
Son of God.
Son of man.
This tale is told from the perspective of a (non-Christian) Goth,
being "witnessed" to by (non-Goth) Christians.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO US?
We are the people of darkness and fog,
you won't see us in Dockers, or out for a jog.
We don't live in your suburbs, or hang out in your bars,
We don't listen to Kenny G, or drive flashy cars.
We aren't drinking a six-pack while watching pro sports,
or riding a lawn tractor in bright-colored shorts.
When we were young, your friends were all cool;
We were the other kids, in the shadows at school.
Some of you taunted us, (some of you feared),
you said we were uncool, ugly, and wierd.
Did you befriend us? Ha! Not even a chance;
We're not the ones who got asked to the dance.
Now that we're older, and you've settled down,
we still see you sometimes, when you come downtown.
So you've found religion, now isn't that swell?
Now you're all jazzed up on Heaven and Hell.
You're on a new mission, the GothFolk to save,
to snatch us from darkness, on the way to the grave.
What would you say to us, child of the light?
Will you come to where we are, late in the night?
When you find our hangout, will you just stand and stare?
Can you see past black leather and spiked purple hair?
Your Pastor has told you certain phrases work well,
like "If you die tomorrow, are you going to Hell?"
If you say that we're evil, and all full of sin,
will that bring us to your Church steps, eager to get in?
If we do show up Sunday, what happens then?
Will we be warmly welcomed by tie-wearing men?
Will we hear in a sermon, "Thou shalt not smoke or drink!"?
(Will it sound like he really means "Thou shalt not think"?)
Will we hear of the evils of dancing and swearing,
and all that is wrong with the clothes we are wearing?
Will we hear how God's wrath burns against every sinner?
(Will us heathens be welcome at the big potluck dinner?)
If we don't measure up, we can count on a snub,
no, we don't think we're joining your Church/social club.
We wouldn't hear anything likely to please us,
(But we are sort of curious to hear more words of Jesus).
It seems we will stick with our lifestyle of sin,
where at least we're accepted, at least we fit in.
It's a shame that your Church was a drag and a bore,
since we really are hurting, with problems galore.
My best friend is lonely, and can't find a wife,
and last Sunday my girlfriend took her own life.
Others, I know, are not happy, just gay;
Can anyone point out The Truth and The Way?
We have faiths and philosophies by every name,
After a while, they all sound the same.
"Do whatever feels good, and don't worry about it!"
Since I don't feel too good, I'm begining to doubt it.
So we gather together on Saturday nights,
to play our kind of music, away from bright lights.
We hook up and break up, and hook up again,
some men with women, and some men with men.
We drink, and we dance, and we light up our cloves,
while God-fearing Church folk avoid us in droves.
If Jesus were living in this very year,
would He buck the system and visit us here?
Would He come down and join us, knowing what rules to bend,
would He come and sit with us, could we call Him our friend?
When He listened to us, would he look in our eyes?
Would He tell us His stories, so deep and so wise?
Well, He isn't here now, so who knows what He'd do?
Is there anyone like Him? Could it ever be you?
- posted by afterfostercare @ 6/5/2003 12:48:08 PM
Sc r e w W i t h M y H e a d
It makes me feel sad
That you don't care to think
I may have feelings too
But their falling out of sync
I also have a heart
Where my faith is stored
You say you know the feeling
But I know that can't be true
You say that I'm a pagan
And I'm making a breakthrough
I wasted all my time
But you barely know
You think you beat me out
But the battle's almost won
I wanted to feel bad
But I'm only halfway done
I know that was your plan
I'm tired of the lies
You think that's why I dress and act like this
It's leading to your demise
I'm screwing with your head
That's what you like to think
I finally made friends at church
And it was really tough
But to have you on top of it
I finally had enough
When you see me on the streets I don't care if you laugh
I know everything about you
But about me
Not even half
So next time you see me
Please get out of the way
And I'll forget about you
Day after day after day.
E m m a A n d e r s o n
i hold a candle as i walk through the darkness, i here screams all around, of people who are in pain, people who are suffering, why don't i help them?
as i walk through the darkness with my candle, i see others with a light. they gather around each other and ignore the screams. won't they help the ones less blessed then them? i've had enough. i turn to the nearest scream. i said "come and walk with me and my light." a women took my hand and my light grew brighter.
as we walked through the darkness, the screams had gone faint, and a light broke through the darkness. we where going home.
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